ICV Christmas Classics

by Ice Cream Vendors

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Written and performed by Jon Kostal and Greg Barnett. From the ICV Archives. Originally released on the Cassette series Christmas Grooves by Kostal Studios, 60559.

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released November 1, 2010

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Ice Cream Vendors Westmont

The Ice Cream Vendors (ICV), made up of longtime pals Jon Kostal and Greg Barnett, is not just a musical duo but a mysterious life force. Those familiar with Jon and Greg know that boy meets girl lyrics and verse/verse/chorus clichés are simply not in their genetic makeup. Defying classification, ICV examines its subjects through a sometimes-surreal lens, but always with fondness and curiosity. ... more

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Track Name: Not A Hat Like That
All I ever wanted for Christmas
was a straw hat to cover my head (with little frillies on the side)

All I ever wanted for Christmas
was a straw hat to cover my head (with a flower on the top)
I don't care for anything extraneous
just a hat to keep my head out of the rain

You can have a tall hat, a small hat, a fat hat, a skinny hat
You can have have any kind of hat you want
But not like that
When you wear a hat with frillies on the back, you look like a girl!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Don't wear a hat like that
Don't wear a hat like that
Don't wear a hat like that
Don't wear a hat like that

Why does no one believe in me?
This hat of mine is no fantasy
Everyone scorns what they
can't believe

This man on the street goes off and yells at me
for looking at silly hats in a window
What right has he to wreck me dreams?
"Oh but not a hat like that"

Hey there little boy. Hi.
You like hats? Yes.
Do you like Straw? Oh yes!
I'll sell one to you. For how much?
Only about sixty dollars. Oh that's all my allowance. Here you go.

I can't believe it's true. I've found a hat of straw for me and you!

I can't believe I've got this hat
it's sitting in my hands
I paid my fee of sixty bucks
Well ain't that grand?

I'll be the envy of the town
When I wear my hat around
You'll see my on the street and say "Hey,
that hat is really neat."

Hey there little boy
What's that on your head?
It's a straw hat
You're dead!

Last night at the station
someone reported a hat of straw
Don't you know that stealing, little boy
means you're breaking the law?

But I bought it from a vendor
who was selling on the street
He said he had a license
Should I know that he's a cheat?

I'm sorry little boy but
It's that hat I'll confiscate
It's incriminating evidence
the judge will need to throw you away!

All I ever wanted for Christmas
was a straw hat to cover my head (with little frillies on the back and a nice daisy)
Track Name: Santa Clumsy Santa
When Santa came down my chimney
he didn't know it was lit
And when he touched the fire
he screamed out loud oh

Oh when he came out of the chimney
his suit was burnt and black
My Daddy thought he was a burglar
And he hit him with a bat and he said

Ow

Santa Clumsy Santa
Where do you come from?
Santa Clumsy Santa
Why are you so dumb?

You are so dumb

He found the milk and cookies
It was two-percent low fat
And while he was a-dunkin'
He sat right on my cat

Looking for the Christmas tree
His presents in his sack
He tripped on my nintendo
And landed on his back

He hurt his back

Santa Clumsy Santa
Where do you come from?
Santa Clumsy Santa
Why are you so dumb?

You are so dumb

When he found the Christmas tree
He saw an open door
When he went to shut it
He heard a mighty Roar

Investigating further
He looked down at his feet
And found out he had turned our dog
Into a pile of meat

Big pile of Meat

Santa Clumsy Santa
Where do you come from?
Santa Clumsy Santa
Why are you so dumb?

You are so dumb

After he put the presents
underneath our Christmas Tree
He began to walk away
and bumped right into me

I helped him up and said
"Hey Santa, just go out the door!"
Now that I have helped him so
He is clumsy no more

He is not dumb

Santa is not clumsy
He comes from the north pole
Santa is not clumsy
His reindeer fell in a hole

and he says Ho Ho Ho
Track Name: Ricki-Ticki Christmas Bunny
Ricki-Ticki Christmas Bunny
make me laugh cause your so funny
Ricki-Ticki The Christmas Bunny
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Track Name: Christmas Chicken Sandwich
I eat a chicken sandwich, a Christmas chicken sandwich
It tastes like a Christmas tree
and when I'm feeling happy, or maybe kind of sappy
it reminds me of Christmas eve

One day I was hungry so I went to eat lunch
at the Oak Brook shopping mall
Ordered chicken sandwich, It was really puny
I looked at her and said "zat all?"

Looking for a table, sat down at this table
a napkin in my lap
When I went to bite it, I didn't try to hide it
dripping out of it came sap

Right after I ate it is when I really felt it
a pine needle in my tongue
I was feeling sappy but now I'm really happy
Gee isn't Christmas fun?

I eat a chicken sandwich, a Christmas chicken sandwich
It tastes like a Christmas tree
and when I'm feeling happy, or maybe kind of sappy
it reminds me of Christmas eve


One day I went sledding, crashed into a big tree
Smacked me in the head ow ow
I went into a coma, I didn't know what happened
For all I knew I was dead

Next I heard was cheering but I was feeling weary
I asked what was the date.
It was January, the first day of the year
for Christmas, I'm too late

I eat a chicken sandwich, a Christmas chicken sandwich
It tastes like a Christmas tree
and when I'm feeling happy, or maybe kind of sappy
it reminds me of Christmas eve

Christmas is all over, I can't believe I missed it
It's my favorite time of the year
So I eat this chicken sandwich, this Christmas chicken sandwich
and Christmastime sure seems near


I ride a flying toaster faster than a roller coaster
visiting the North Pole
Because I want to visit, who do I want to visit?
I will tell you now:

Santa Clumsy Santa
Where do you come from?
Santa Clumsy Santa
Why are you so dumb? You are so dumb

We eat a chicken sandwich, a Christmas chicken sandwich
It tastes like a Christmas tree
and when I'm feeling happy, or maybe kind of sappy
it reminds me of Christmas eve